Be Mindful and Have Better Sex

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Often, the disconnect we have with our natural sexual libido is a result of the over-thinking our unspoken sexual insecurities and fears create. It doesn’t really matter what kind of anxiety you bring to the bedroom, whether it is performance anxiety or fears about achieving orgasm, as soon as the mind starts spinning, you leave the present moment and trigger the physiological flight-fight response, which makes focusing on the sensations in your body impossible. Thoughts of work, family concerns, or body issues literally take you away from the visceral experience of contact. The mind turns off the feelings in your body. Forget about arousal, you might not even feel someone pinch you when you are lost in a mind out of control.

Applying the practice of mindfulness to our intimate experiences is healing, because we commit ourselves to being fully present. Recently a Canadian sexologist named Lori Brotto applied this ancient technique to sexual dysfunction with heartening results. Her research shows that many sexual dysfunction symptoms aren’t generally caused by problems in our physiological wiring, but rather by a psychological mind-body disconnect.

“We spend far too much time worrying about whether we’re ‘normal’ or good enough,” says Brotto. “Mindfulness is about cutting out that kind of noise and tapping into what your body is doing.”

Relying on your senses is a good way to begin to quiet the mind and bring yourself into the moment. Sensuality is really nothing more than connecting to your senses deeply. Be mindful of the smallest of sensations. For instance, actually feel the different textures of your partner’s skin, or feel the weight of his/her hands on your lower abdomen, run your fingers through his/her hair, trace his/her face with your lips.

Waking up to the power of scent was what first deeply shifted my ability to be fully present in my own intimacy. This is how I started my love company, Good Clean Love. The greatest pleasure I have in life is when my husband says he is “smoking me” when we lay together. Being consumed in your sense of smell with someone you love carries the intrinsic power of presence.

Mindfulness takes practice. Incorporate some silent times alone during which you can learn to notice and watch your mind at work. Letting go of erroneous thoughts on your own will help when you get distracted with a partner. Learning to stay focused on the sensations you experience with your partner can be more challenging than it sounds. This is why mindfulness has always been associated with loving kindness. Mindfulness has a snowball effect in life, its effects have a slow progression that eventually changes the way you live.

What better place to practice mindfulness than with the person you love? Experiencing the remarkable range of sensations that physical love and arousal create in the body is transformative in your relationship and your life. There is no higher gateway to transcendence.


By Loveologist Wendy Strgar, Natural Solutions sexpert and founder of Good Clean Love