Q&A with David Simon, MD

1. I was raised in a conservative environment in which sexuality was a taboo subject. As I result I feel shame and embarrassment relating to my sexuality. What steps can I take to work through this insecurity and experience trusting intimacy with my husband?

Powerful and primitive, sex often generates strong feelings of ambivalence. As society struggles to control this potent creative energy, it often imposes judgments and restraints. It is challenging to overcome the negative early conditioning, because messages are recorded before we develop discriminating filters.

Now that you’re married, you need to ask yourself if you’re prepared to rise above your conditioning. Like all powerful forces, sex can be used to create joy or pain. In the context of a committed relationship, tapping into the power and passion of a sexual connection can awaken physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy and ecstasy.

Seduction encourages removing the outer layers of your self-image so that more authentic aspects can be expressed. Communicate to your partner what feels good. Let your lovemaking be a dance rather than a race. Awaken your inner pleasure-producing pharmacy by attending to all five senses. Work with your partner to create an environment of safety. Through open communication you can relinquish whatever is inhibiting access to your essential ecstatic self.

2. I need to have “the talk” with my 11-year-old son. Can you give me some practical ways to increase my comfort level with this kind of discussion so that I can pass on an attitude of acceptance and foster open communication on sexuality?

These days, it’s likely that your 11-year-old knows more about sex than you did when you were his age. Talking about sex with kids requires authenticity and clarity about what you want to communicate. Are you comfortable with your own knowledge, beliefs, and values about sexuality? Although it is true in all areas of life, it is particularly important that your words and actions are in alignment when discussing sex with your children.

Recognize that healthy parenting requires having more than one conversation about the important issues your children face. Create an environment for your first talk, which is protected from distractions and interruptions. Introduce the topic of sexuality by stating the obvious—your son is getting older and probably starting to notice girls. Tell him that curiosity about sex is healthy and normal and you want to be certain that he receives accurate information from you. Explore with him what he already knows and what questions he has.

Although your initial conversation does not need to cover the whole range of sexual topics, at some point over the next couple of years you will need to discuss the delicate but important issues of pregnancy, birth control, masturbation, sexually transmitted illness, and homosexuality.

Sex is a natural power force. Being comfortable with your own sexuality places you in the best position to teach your children how to be sexually responsible. Open the line of communication now and you will be able to provide healthy guidance as your child matures into adulthood.

3. I have been married to my wife for 15 years. My sex drive is as strong as ever, but hers seems to have died. I feel like I am always pushing her to have sex and she often reacts by pulling away. I try not to take it personally, but frankly, I’m getting frustrated. What can we do to work this out?

Your situation is not uncommon. Feminine energy and masculine energy have different expressions. Male energy is generally more physical and goal oriented, whereas female energy is more emotional and process oriented. Women start in their hearts and move into their bodies if they feel safe; men, on the other hand, start in their bodies and move into their hearts if they feel safe. The perennial challenge for men and women is the balancing of these contrasting but complementary forces.

After marriage, it’s common to feel you no longer need to make the same effort to romance your partner. Sex is 95 percent fantasy—use your imagination. Come home early from work, go for a walk, plan a romantic dinner. Surprise her with a gift. Listen attentively to what she is saying. Be charming. Be affectionate before becoming sexual. Get into bed before you are both exhausted. Offer to give her a massage. Ask her what she needs. Be willing to examine your current patterns of relating and explore ways to bring the fire back into your relationship.

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